I dont understand

It has taken me a great deal of courage to register and post here but Im determined to do this so bare with me as I try to get this out and seek your advice. I truely hope that someone can help me so Im going to be as clear as I possibly can as I speak.

I recently turned 30, but have noticed over the last few years of my life some things about myself that I dont understand. Spanking and its turn on for me. When I get turned on, its not by the physical aspect of sex persay, its thinking about being spanked. lol I feel so absurd typing this out.


I have a very understanding husband, we have been together for almost 10 years and married for 3. I have told him my thoughts on spanking as best I can and tried to explain my desire to him. And although he understands what I am trying to get across to him, I dont think that he knows how to fill the role that I need him to fill.

I am a lazy house wife who hasnt worked in almost 3 years. Sometimes I say and do things that make my husband so angry that we fight and argue for hours and hours. I cant stand it. But we dont exactly live alone, so its not like he can really just take me over his knee or something.... besides, I would never want him to do such a thing with others in the house.

However, I thought perhaps a system, ya know, maybe when he wants to scream and yell at me instead go write it down what he is pissed off about and maybe he can deal with it at a later time, but this method doesnt work cause....he would rather yell and shout.

He doesnt know how to just take charge of a situation and be dominate. And what I have a hard time making clear to him is that, I believe, honestly, that I need more of an assertive figure in my life. I dont do shit. I dont work, i dont cook, I stay up all night on the internet chatting with friends while he plays video games and watch tv, we do spend time together then he goes to sleep on the couch and i will ask him to go to our room so he can get decent rest.

At 34, he goes to school in the mornings and then goes to work and doesnt get home till around 7pm. Im here all day... usually sleeping... or playing online....For as lazy as i am, I always have things to do online cause I run a reality tv website, lol and it takes literally, all of my time and gives me something to do.

But I have no structure, no rules, I just see so many things in my life that could be changed and I could become a better person but I have no one to "make" me do anything and I have no motivation and can't motivate myself.

I am someone that is open to ideas ranging in a broad spectrum. I know that I could benefit from discipline and structure and a more dominate husband. I also believe that it would help our sex lives to a degree. For example, I read something here where some dude said his wife wasnt turned on unless she was spanked? In a way this is true... but I think just a sensual spanking would not do for me.


i wish I could incoporate this somehow into our lifestyles, cause there are times when we have the house to ourselves for long hours at a time. But he doesnt know how to take charge and I dont know how to tell him to do it, and then there are other things that confuse us both, for example, positions, spanking tools, techniques, length of time, humiliation, lol so many things that... I just... dont know about.

We have tried some things out in the past but I also read somewhere that a girl said for her first spanking she got 15 on each butt cheek and she didnt really feel anything. Thats me....and I think its because my husband didnt know how far to take it. And with a belt, I dont think he knows how to swing one, and I dont have a paddle ....

I guess, what I am trying to say is that I dont understand my need to be disciplined. I was never spanked as a child, I dont really understand my fascination with it, and I dont know how to teach my husband to not be afraid to teach me a lesson.

I also think in terms of sex, he should learn to be more aggressive and dominating and I dont know ... maybe he just isnt into that sort of thing.... but I love my husband and I know he loves me and I think with some instructions we could improve our lives and sex life a little.... now im to the point where im just frantically rambling and grasping here.

Is there anyone here who can help?

[redchief]

You are in the right place.

First, do not feel ashamed or embarassed or absurd about this because it is normal. In fact many of us normal people have gathered here to discuss this very topic. There are varying degrees of discussion and participation in this activity on this message board. Relax, grab a soda, I get the feeling you're going to have a lot of responses.

The subject you have brought to the table is called, "converting a vanilla." This is a topic that has been discussed at length here and on other message forums as well. I'll jump to the ending here, the problem has never been solved. There is no blanket solution to the frustration you are experiencing. But don't be discouraged, there is hope for individual cases.

I'm going to leave individual methods of attempting solutions to convert the vanilla to some of the other members. They would be more qualified than I to answer that question.

Some of your other concerns I can address. I never use humiliation in a spanking relationship. It is not good in other relationships, shouldn't be used in spanking either. If your relationship is based on trust and respect, mutual satisfaction, then cross humiliation off the list and see where you can go from there.

As for implements in the "don't live alone" crowd, may I suggest a nice flat back "paddle" hair brush. Perhaps a wooden spoon, innocent enough in the kitchen drawer, grandma or the little one doesn't have to know what happens with the wooden spoon when they are not home.

Also, discipline comes from within. You want more structure in your life, take the reins. Set yourself a goal within the confines of your current environment and accomplish it. The more goals you reach, the more you will be emboldened to reach the goal of being spanked. That's a long drive, but the view once you get there is magnificent.

Oh, thank you for the reply. I dont feel like such a moron now. lol



you are probably right about humiliation, you brought up a good point, I should probably scratch that off a list.

converting a vanilla huh, lol I havent heard that term its kinda cute lol


I am going to continue to browse the site a bit, kick back and grab that soda some threads i find helpful, some are amusing, and some... lol well, lets just say that I am amazed at how open some people are. I hope some day I have the confidence to feel normal about things of this nature at some point like so many of you do here.

[sleepysurf]

Well for starters hun, you ARE on the right track! At LEAST you have the ability to open up and be honest with your husband about your desires! Sooooo many spankos just let the feelings they have lay dormant....never to surface....never to be explored....never to be understood....never to be enjoyed! Your husband MUST understand that human sexuality is VERY complicated and at times, confusing, to say the least! BUT rather than waste prescious time that life has to offer, many times its best to just DO IT without trying to sort all the puzzle pieces out! After all, his soul mate is YOU...and as a man, his number one priority in the marriage should be to make YOU satisfyed....and visa versa! Why not introduce HIM to this website? Let him read and study YOUR fetish from the input here of others who share your same interests? Better still....encourage HIM to read your introductory letter that you posted here.....wow!! What a "master-piece" of honesty and "opening up"!!!!! And lastly, if possible, it would be nice if you could change your "others around" environment! But if that is impossible, a nice weekend in a secluded rental log cabin in the woods coupled with a large holed paddle to address YOUR lazy ways, young lady, is SUCH an exciting way to add punch and pizazzzz to a relationship! Marriage AND relationships take work...minds need to expand and become colorful, otherwise sex can become routine, bland and unfullfilling for BOTH of you! Bring him on hun.....heck! We'll welcome him and TEACH him! Sounds like he is one lucky dude!

[Chuckles]

Welcome to the forum, confusedwife! And thanks to redchief for his prompt response that set such a thoughtful and positive tone for the other responses I'm sure you'll be getting.

Your initial query managed to highlight several age-old issues confronting spankos, so perhaps the first thing to do is to recognize that you're not alone in facing those issues. Your fellow forum members aren't therapists ( well, a few of them may be, but let's not go there! ), but we've had to confront many of the same problems you're facing, so perhaps we can share some of the ideas that have worked for us.

You may find it useful to keep a checklist of the individual issues that puzzle you since there seem to be a number of them. Many issues you're facing have been treated before on the forum, so any time you can spare to research those issues here will probably be time well spent. You may also find that reading previous forum threads offers two fringe benefits: (a) you may get to know a bit more about the individual members of the forum, and (b) you may find still more questions you'd like to address.

After you've identified your specific questions and seen how those questions have been addressed in previous threads on the forum, don't hesitate to ask further specific questions to help fill in the blanks. If you find a thread interesting and have additional questions on the topic involved, don't hesitate to add a new post to the thread to pose your questions. It can often be interesting to see how people's views have matured over time, and the mix of active forum contributors may well have changed since the thread began, so you may gain new insights that way.

It may also be helpful for you to try to prioritize the questions you're facing. Which issues feel most important to you, and which issues seem less important? You can't resolve all of your questions instantly, so keeping your personal priorities in mind is vitally important. Another aspect of prioritizing that you should consider is, which issues need to be dealt with first? Certain issues will probably turn out to be critical first steps in resolving other, possibly more important, issues.

You've said that you've discussed spanking with your husband and that the two of you have a marriage based on love and caring, and that's great. But you haven't said that your husband has committed himself firmly and explicitly to ongoing efforts to resolve the spanking question in your marriage. It seems to me that a firm commitment to the endeavor on your husband's part is essential at this stage.

Several of the questions you've raised can be grouped into two categories: behavior modification and sexual enhancement. You seem to feel that spanking may help in each of these areas, and you may be right, but be aware of the challenges inherent in implementing a combined solution.

Somehow it seems reasonable to me to focus initially on the behavior modification goal. If you find that being spanked by your husband can help you achieve a more disciplined approach to life, you'll may well find two fringe benefits:[list=a][*]The two of you will have begun the process of setting parameters for the spanking activity itself (implements, severity, etc.), and
[*]You may well find that your respect for your husband's ability to play an assertive role in your marriage has grown.[/list=a]I suspect that if you can achieve some success in the behavior modification area, you may find that your communications with your husband have improved a bit and that your new respect for his ability to assert himself has improved your sex life as well. By that time the two of you may be able to discuss seriously any changes to your spanking activities that might also offer further improvements to your sexual relationship.

I'm sure other forum members will now weigh in with their helpful ideas. Best wishes for continued success in your marriage and in exploring your fascination with spanking!

[snickers]

welcome

I recently told my husband about my "spanking interests"
and wow, he was excited about it.
It took him a good six months to get started with it so be patient.

I am looking for more too but know that my Bear is the only one for me and I need to be patient.

Hang in there confusedwife, confused? not! frustrated maybe.

[Kassidy Paige]

I joined Realspankings.com and found videos that I liked, and I showed them to my husband.

You have to be patient. This is so foreign to him. Men are trained from very young not to hit girls, and here you are asking him to hit you. Not that I think it's crazy, cuz I was in your exact position not too long ago.

It's still not a perfect spanking relationship, after we play we always talk about what was good and bad and what could have been done differently. It's all about communication.

[pixling]

Hi Confused,

Your story and mine are so similar it's funny. I, too, was seldom spanked as a child yet have had a fascination for it for as long as I can remember. I entirely fear it but seem to have a need for it.

Just recently my beloved was offered a job out of town and I have just quit mine so we can bounce back and forth between the cities as we are not going to be able to move for several months. He is working his ass off and I am usually wandering through my days without structure. I, too, really need discipline in my life and have been on this quest to understand and fulfill it for a while now.

Let me echo everyone else that this is indeed the place to be; you are in good company here. I have learned a lot.

To me it seems that you have two choices: the first is what you are already thinking and that is to try to lead your husband with you to try to understand what you want and why. This is certainly not impossible. It's called Domestic Discipline and/or HOH (head of household) and there are bazillions of websites and forums out there directly deal with this and are full of people just like you at all stages of the lifestyle. Do a search and check them out. There is quite a bit of information to be had to go about setting up such a relationship.

The second is the path I have decided to pursue and I am looking for an experienced disciplinarian outside of my marriage. While in my case my beloved is willing to spank me I don't want it to be him as I truly believe it would mess up the dynamics that we share. Although he is the breadwinner we are on an equal footing and have a most groovy and laid back love for each other. He was my best friend long before we even started dating and have never lost that "buddy" feeling. I just don't want to have to "report" to the guy I call Dude. He also, despite being a big guy, is very tenderhearted and I have little doubt that I could cute, cry or seduce my way out of just about anything. Plus, right now we have so little time together I just want to enjoy it and not have to worry about discipline when we could be playing or if I am going to sulk he doesn’t bear the brunt of it.

Also, since I am still pretty new to this arena I am lost and confused enough and really don't want to have to hack out a whole new path. I am searching for someone who already knows what he's doing and can take the lead. I also think having someone who is emotionally detatched would be a good idea for me as mine can run a little high sometimes.

Now, this is not to say that it hasn't been weird. The boy is not entirely comfortable yet with the idea of another man spanking me but we have been discussing it little by little. He understands that this is in no way shape or form a sexual thing for me and why I feel that he can't be the one. He is getting used to it, however, and I have to give him major kudos for trying. He knows this is important to me and I am very grateful. Personally, I do think that even though our marriage is great that discipline will improve it just by helping me to tame the chaos that is usually our lives. I think having bills paid on time and clean laundry on a regular basis can only be a bonus!

So, just know that you are not alone. I still don't get it myself but at least I am more comfortable with my spanking desires and gawd knows they are not going to go away.

Welcome to the fold!

Best,
-pix

[kay_be]

First of all, welcome to the forum! If you are interested in spanking this is the place to come and chat.

There have been some great responses to your OP, and well done for taking the first steps towards something that you want.

However, I have a few words of caution. I don't have vast amounts of spanking/BDSM experience, but I know people, and this could be applied to any kind of relationship.

Trying to change people is often not a good idea. I'm not talking about you changing, because it's clear from your post that you want to. I mean that it may not be a wise to try and change your husband. Women tend to fall into that trap, and it is rarely fruitful. It tends to frustrate both parties and cause resentment. People can only change if they want to.

It sounds to me more like you should try and work on yourself. You list your faults quite candidly, but take little responsibility for them.... you seem to suggest that if your husband was more dominant they would not be such a problem. This may be true, but should you rely on your husband's guidance to motivate you? That's hard work for him if he's not naturally dominant.

It may work out for you, and I hope it does... but you might have to consider the possibility that he may not have it in him to give you what you want. If that is so, perhaps you could enjoy erotic spanking and this could fulfil at least part of your desires... or maybe you might need to look outside your relationship for this discipline.

I'm sorry to sound so harsh. I really hope that things work out for you

katie

Everyone here has been very helpful so far and I have found a lot of threads where I find myself going "should I let my husband read that?" lol


Everyone's comments have helped to a degree whether you have made me feel more comfortable about myself or if you posted tips and things to help me understand. I appreciate it all so much. You just have no idea.

I dont know that I could let my husband read my introduction post, at least not yet, but I did go to sleep this morning contemplating telling him I joined a spanking forum to seek help, lol

I teased him just a few days ago I was going to find a forum and ask someone a question, .... I dont think he believed I had the nerve, lol



Like I said, we have tried a few things out, over the course of the last 3 years but, so far it just hasnt worked out like either of us had thought that it would. He is reluctant, and uncomitted at this point as someone said, and living with two other adults in the house isnt exactly easy. But its not always gonna be like this.... he has been working hard lately and going to school so that we can have our own place again in the near future and start our own family and what not.

I just know that if he was in the right frame of mind, that he would feel more comfortable playing a more dominate roll.


Someone suggested I have him read some threads here, there is one I have found that I would like him to read, I guess now I just need to find the nerve to tell him that I actually sought help *nervous* lol



At any rate, thanks again everyone and if you have more feedback for me please feel free to post im all ears.